Isn’t it funny how our mind can be the meanest bully on the block? The mental aspect of things can trip us up and move us away from center and our space of loving. It sometimes takes us down a rabbit hole of weirdness.
Dispite the weirdness, I still feel deep in my heart a beautiful symphony, birds are chirping, and there is sunshine. When I try to put my love into words or action, it can be hard to let it out or take that step or trust that I can go there with a person.
I have noticed recently that although I love with all my heart I still keep parts myself imprisoned by fear. Especially, In my relationships with men I sometimes hold back from staying present and open.
I go to my head with all my stories of trauma and wrongdoing to myself and others from past relationships. I think about if this person will leave me brokenhearted on the side of the road even when they are right in front of me and that moment is so far down the road or never at all.
I think am I worthy of love? Is this person worthy of my love? So I start looking for clues. I look at their body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc, all these things that I use to know more about this person. I play games to test them. The checklist and games gives me a false sense of power , but now I’m out of the present moment and in a place of fear.
Maybe you feel this way too. Like you are a part time CSI investigator of this person that might murder your heart and we need to follow the clues. Maybe what we need to be doing instead of being a CSI investigator is start to come back to a place where we aren’t afraid of living.
Why am I searching for things this person is doing wrong? I am scared that I will get my heartbroken, why don’t I want to experience that? Because I don’t want to feel pain. I don’t want to go through another experience like that.
Why are we so afraid of feeling pain? The times of my life that have been the most painful have been the most illuminating and transformative moments of my life.
A few weeks ago, I met this man that told me, “You are the type of woman that makes me believe in God.” In the moment, I was the giddiest girl in the world. I felt my blood turn to adrenaline and I let myself fall into the moment. I felt everything and then nothing and then I dissolved in the moment. I was so there it’s hard to remember. It was incredible.
I felt myself open up to this person because I felt that he saw me beyond the physical form, but as a spiritual being, a goddess. What he said invoked a feeling within me to remember self love. To remember always that no one else can be you, only you can be you, and that makes you special.
After the experience, I went over to a sagely friends house I told her about it.
She asked me if I spoken with this person and I told her I felt like I needed to wait a few days before reaching out as to not appear desperate or crazy. She looks at me with utter confusion and says to me,
“Your generation is absolutely mad. You are all terrified of feeling things. You had an amazing experience with this person and you just pretend that it’s meaningless by the actions that you choose.”
I tell her, “Keep going.”
She finishes off with, “If you had an incredible time with someone you should let them know. Who cares how they respond to it, but let yourself express the emotions and the feelings that came with it. Stop trying to cut out certain experiences life has to offer by controlling how you engage with other people emotionally.”
I messaged him. I told him, “ I can’t stop thinking about that moment we shared.” My heart was pounding, I felt sweat come from my forehead, but I felt the aliveness in me. I didn't care if I ever heard back from him I just wanted to keep this feeling moving through me!
Pulsatating life and expereince that is what matters. Me living my life! It doesn’t matter if I make him feel like God exists what matters is me feeling close to God and life! The surge, the rush, the excitement of it all! How they feel is on them and no one can take away your worth but YOU!
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”― Eleanor Roosevelt
I learned so much from this experience. I learned to trust myself to open up more in the moment and let go some of the you should do this… and should not do this.. voice in my head. That is living. That is being alive! I feel things this is a great thing!
So let’s all start to match the love that we have inside our hearts to the actions we take and the thoughts we think and allow ourselves to LIVE without fear, to LOVE without fear. How we stay in love is staying in love with ourselves in all our beautiful rawness and intensity.